Time for the Friday Fictioneers with another prompt from our Fairy Blog Mother, Rochelle Wisoff-Fields.
The task is to write a story: beginning, middle, and end, in 100 words or less. You can find all the Fictioneers’ stories when you click on the Froggy. Please read, comment, and if you like, join the fun. Everyone is welcome.
There’s something new, too: the Friday Fictioneers Concrit Subgroup. Thank you, Jennifer Pendergast and Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, for making this available to those of us who welcome constructive criticism. Praise is always nice, but a bit of information why something works, or doesn’t work, helps to become a better writer. Criticize away.

Damsel in Distress
When young Tommy found a piece of wire on the ground, he couldn’t resist picking it up. He turned it this way and that, then bent it into a circle. The sad face of a young girl appeared within. Tommy dropped the wire and ran away.
Tom never forgot that face. He called her his princess, and looked for her everywhere.
One day he visited ‘Hole-in-the-Rock’ in Arizona. As he was looking through the opening, the sad face of a young woman appeared.
“Princess!” he cried, and ran through.
“Dinner!” the dragon on the other side said, and ate him.
(100 words)
Edits: I added the word ‘young’ in the first sentence.
“Phoenix-Hole-in-the-Rock-Papago Park” by Tony the Marine (talk) – I (Tony the Marine (talk)) created this work entirely by myself.. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikipedia – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Phoenix-Hole-in-the-Rock-Papago_Park.JPG#/media/File:Phoenix-Hole-in-the-Rock-Papago_Park.JPG
The Hole-in-the-Rock is a Phoenix landmark located in Papago Park. It is a series of openings (tafoni) eroded in a small hill composed of bare red arkosic conglomeratic sandstone. The sandstone was first formed some 6-15 million years ago from the accumulation of materials eroding from a Precambrian granite, long since eroded away.
Hah! Love the twist! Was definitely NOT expecting that one!
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You’re fast! 😀 Thank you. I’m very glad you didn’t expect that.
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Oh I do remember this view… I lived in Mesa for 8 months back in 91-92… and passing this, and spending time at the botanical garden is forever a part of me… I never saw the dragon though.. what an imaginative twist
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Thank you, Björn. I’m glad you never saw that dragon.
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Oh, this was delicious! 😀 It is amazing to see how all of us run in different directions with these prompts.
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Thank you, I’m glad you had fun. Yes, this aspect of the FF fascinates me, too, again and again. 🙂
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A stalker dragon…I like it!
C-
You have one word left in the limit…perhaps add “young” in the first sentence (“When young Tommy found a piece of wire on the ground…”). The switch from Tommy to Tom coupled with the description of the female from “young girl” to “young woman” does show the progression of age, but being definitive at the opening that Tommy is a boy would help solidify the image.
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That’s a good point. I’m adding that. Thank you! 🙂
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Such a great ending, that I can’t believe anyone would see coming!
C – I’m afraid I disagree with the insertion of ‘young’! Now you have three ‘young’s in the piece, and it just seems too many for such a short story.
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Thank you. 🙂 I see what you mean. Beofre I posted I had ‘little Tommy’ there, but thought it didn’t quite fit with the young girl, and little girl just didn’t sound right. I could also take the young away from ‘woman’ and just leave it at woman. Difficult…
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Choices, choices. If readers give different suggestions, you just have to go with what seems right for you.
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I know. 🙂 There are several ways, but with 100 words it becomes tricky. It’s fun to see what other people think though.
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C-
I agree that this could benefit from using an adjective before the first “Tommy,” but think that something indicative of his inquisitiveness may be of the most use. Time, while significant in delineating his obsessive search for “his princess,” is not so integral in this piece that it must be reaffirmed at every possible instance. His utter curiosity, however, frames every action and is a key characteristic.
As it’s already been discussed, it’s really all a matter of your own comforts. Labeling Tommy with a descriptor right away may make the story more immediately accessible, but it may also threaten to flatten his character.
That being said, as much as I don’t really care for out-of-left-field-endings, this is well done in that Tommy’s search surely blinds him to possible perils.
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C -I like how you showed that Tommy had grown up along with his obsession of the “princess” as Melaine mentions above. The ending was totally unexpected and it worked well.
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Thank you, I’m glad it worked for you. 🙂
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Yeah well, that’s true love for you. Always a dragon waiting to pounce. Nice one.
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I’m glad you had fun. Thank you.
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Dear Gah,
C-I agree with Ansumani about the use of Tom and Tommy showing the age progression. Obviously the dragon was quite clever as well as being a mind reader. Really I couldn’t find anything negative to say. Again Con crit is also designed to say what does work.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thank you, Rochelle. We’re having fun with the C, aren’t we? 🙂 I’m glad it worked.
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I love this, especially the fact that the dragon got his dinner.
Bon appetit!
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Merci, says the dragon. Glad you liked it, thank you.
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C – The green correction is annoying. Unique take on the prompt. I like that.
Sending you energy for NaNoWriMo.
T
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Thank you. I took the green out again, I thought so, different colours throw me out of a story, too. I’m glad you liked it. And much energy to you, too. I’ve had a good phase the last three days, but the next four days will be less productive.
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I love a good twist 🙂
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I’m glad you liked, thank you 🙂
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Oh no a dragon.
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😀 Chomp, chomp. Can’t say thank you with a full mouth…
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🙂
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Oh! This made me laugh. Thank you Thank you Thank you
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Heheh. Glad I could make you laugh.
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the ending should be expected. he had already been consumed by her memory anyway.
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I guess you won’t be so easily trapped by the dragon. Thank you. 🙂
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I guffawed. I’m still smiling as i write this.
What a yummy dragon’s tail! (pun intended)
Randy
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Hehehe. That makes me smile, too. Thank you. It’s always fun to write something with bite.
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Fun take here! Fire spewing dragon to char its meal? 🙂
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I guess that depends on how hungry the dragon is (or maybe I’ve watched too many Jurassic Park movies 😉 ) Thank you.
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Loved the photo and the flash moved us forward through the years without a hiccough although hopefully the dragon may now be suffering having eaten Tom so quickly.
Thanks for the pointer to the critique group. I will join in next week – too late for this week.
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I think the dragon can manage… 🙂 Thank you. The nice thing about the organization of the group is that we can chose when to use the C. I think it’s brilliant.
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Yes it is a great idea.
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Chomp, chomp–belch. Good one.
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Glad you liked, thank you. 🙂
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When I first saw the photo I thought it looked like an alien sleeping, just waiting to awakened and torture humanity. Great tale, love the ending! Well done!
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You’re right. From that angle, it looks a bit like a sleeping giant. Maybe it’s a troll… where is the treasure? 😀 Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it.
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It was an easy entertaining read! Delicious!
Lily
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Hehehe. I’m glad it was to your taste.
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Woosh! And just like that we are out of the world! Great and surprising take on the prompt.
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Let’s hope dragon encounters remain few and far between. 🙂 Thank you.
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I hope it doesn’t become “a thing”. 🙂
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😀
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Aw. A lifelong search for his true love, only to end as a dragon’s dinner :-(.
Great story with a twist!
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Maybe he should have looked more for inner values. 😉 Thank you.
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Well, that caught me by surprise – just when I thought how poetic is was. You got me.
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Better me than the dragon, right? Glad you had fun, thank you.
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This rock really does look alive. A lot packed into 100 words!
A whole life in fact from beginning to (crunch!) end.
PS The first young helped me. Perhaps the girl needn’t be young! These edits can turn around and bite!
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Thank you. Crunch is good, for some at least. 😉 Yes, the editing can bite, but it’s also fun. Especially seeing what other people think.
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Well, that’s a heck of an ending to a fairy tale! But a perfect one.
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I’m glad you liked it, thank you.
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Love your imagination, Gah! I didn’t expect a dragon to appear at the end. So much for the princess.
C – I think Melanie’s suggestion is a good one. Being young might also account for him dropping the wire. I wanted him to pick it up and keep it, but if he’s young, it makes more sense that he’d be reactive and leave it. And, it bridges the time.
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Thank you, Amy. That’s exactly what I wanted to say with the ‘dropping of the wire’– and it’s good to know that you think that it works better with the ‘young’ in it.
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Wonderful, surreal twist. I was much too taken with that crafty dragon, to even think of doing a word count, not that it would ever enter my mind to do so (unless it was some kind of competition in which I suspected the winner had broken the rules!). Better to have one less word than end up fiddling with a piece and risk spoiling it. Blame the lost word on the dragon, who gobbled it up before it could be written.
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Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed the little tale.I actually enjoy fiddling with words, and I like to see what other people think, that’s fun, too. 🙂
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Funny stuff.
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I’m glad you had fun. Thank you.
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Ha! Ha! Fun story.
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Glad you had fun. 😀 Thanks.
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Well, that was a quick final twist. Funny too. Well done, Gah. 😀 — Suzanne
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I’m glad you enjoyed it. 🙂 Thank you!
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